ABC THEORY BEHAVIOR CHANGE MODEL. OLD YOU – NEW YOU SHIFT.

Stan Dokmanus Updates

One of my major goals and objectives as a counselor has been to help the client create or experience a sensory shift in feelings and emotions regarding his/her identity, beliefs/values, capability, behavior and environment. For those who expressed a strong belief in religion or spirituality I was always wide open to discussing and working in these areas.

The arts, whatever you consider those to be can be very helpful in this area. I was introduced by a dear friend to haiku. This is a wonderful lady from Japan who teaches haiku in Hawaii.

She taught me the basic form of three lines with 5, 7 and 5 syllables in each line. The task was to express feelings and emotions in the here and now.

Daughters come to mind,
my heart fills with joy of them,
thank you transcendence.

This is a simple example of how one would look. It describes how my daughters make me feel and reflects how it was my transcendence from addiction to – it’s as if I never had the problem and there are no triggers, cravings, urges or relapses that made it possible for me to have this experience today. Easily, I could have been dead otherwise.

Clients loved this little exercise that they came to see as a way to create a corrective emotional response. It was very meaningful and had an impact.

Between this exercise and learning about beliefs, values and the power that we have over how we feel clients expressed that they learned that they had power over how they felt. This is so empowering. We will be spending more time on this topic.

To learn more about haiku you can google Yosa Buson or haiku.

This has been Recovery Theme 14. What did you learn from this post? You learned that a worthy goal is to be able to learn to create an “Old You – New You” emotional shift. Especially in the area of identity, values and behavior. You learned that there are simple ways to do this such as the poetry art of haiku. Anything in painting, drawing, music or dance, etc. can do it for us.

AA/NA A DAY AT A TIME. STOP FEELING OVERWHELMED. CHUNK IT.

Stan Dokmanus Updates

The boss wants this when? My partner wants this, wants that and all right now. I’ve got to have that promotion right now. I’ve got to have that money right now.

We overload ourselves. Sometime it is with our language or self-talk. Sometime it is simply the wrong perspective, belief or value. The works of Albert Ellis, (ABC Theory, REBT) and Aaron T. Beck, (CBT) point this out clearly. The CBT Thoory Map which I’ve included shows how this works.

Do you mean I have to stay clean and sober for the rest of my life? Some people, say someone 30 years old, who may have been having a drinking problem as an example, is considering stopping drinking. But they are haunted by the idea that they cannot drink for the next 70 years. Wow! That’s a pretty big order. And he feels overwhelmed.

Well good news again. Calm down. You are blowing this way out of proportion. Your answer, much to your relief is, No! Just for today – drink something else. Water, juice, soda, coffee or whatever are fine.

Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) calls this “one day at a time.” Or, a baby step. A small chunk.

If you ‘chunk it’ you break down the task into smaller more manageable pieces. Just for this next hour. Just for this morning. Just for today. You get it, don’t you?

Sales people can benefit from this idea. Maybe you have 500 calls to make this week. Wow! It’s a big number. But, the truth is that you are overwhelming yourself with all these gottas and you gotta do it all now. Your only real concern is the call you make right this moment. You really have only one call to make.

You get paid for the noes too. So embrace them. How many noes do you need to get the response that you want? It might be an appointment. It might be a sale. But it’s the big pay day that the small chunk individual calls add up to.

In AA it’s a day at a time. That’s AA’s small chunk method. And it works if you work it. Hey! Isn’t life that way too?

One more thing as long as I mentioned healthier drink substitutes. Coffee seems to be the huge go to beverage in recovery. You know too much caffeine could upset you, make you anxious or disturb your sleep. Watch out for the sugar creep. People who are used to consuming large amounts of alcohol take in huge amounts of sugar. When you stop using alcohol you could find yourself putting more sugar in your coffee, buying a lot of candy for some reason or hanging around the bakery or ice cream shop. Guess how I know. Yep! Because that’s what happened with me. I hit the bakery on the way into  town and the ice cream stand on the way out of town. I still love Milky Way and Snickers but I know they are not good for my A1C, sugar count.

I learned there was a ‘Positive Intent’ behind my new behavior. It was to replace the sugar that my body was not getting from the alcohol. So you see, there could be a positive intent behind behavior that is not good for you or might even be illegal.

Let’s stop beating up ourselves with the negative self-talk or blaming ourselves for eating too much of this or drinking too much that. There has been a positive intent. Usually it has something to do with moving toward pleasure or feeling better about ourselves or X. We tend to move away from pain and toward pleasure.

We self-medicate with the drugs of choice to feel better or different. Yes – alcohol is a drug. And, a drug, is a drug, is a drug.

What did you learn from this post? You learned about Recovery Themes 12 and 13 in this post. Chunking will make your life easier no matter what you are dealing with. Understanding Positive Intent and self-medicating is huge. But, it’s not an excuse for continuing harmful or illegal behavior.

Now it’s time to decide what you are going to do about your problem – and how.

ALCOHOL RECOVERY SUCCESS IDEAS AND HELP.

Stan Dokmanus Updates

There’s no such thing as failure. If you are not getting the results you want with your sobriety, recovery, relationships or work you are receiving feedback. What you are doing is not working. Maybe you should try something else: Anything Else.

As you learned in the last post, perspective is everything. When you moved an unpleasant image farther away it did not feel as bad. You were desensitized. When you moved the pleasant image closer you felt better.

You can use your five senses to help you get the outcomes you desire. Especially the visual, auditory and kinesthetic (the see, hear and feel) senses.

Make a picture of you ‘over there’, maybe across the room or even across the street. Analyze that person just like he/she were someone else. What is he trying  to do? What do you see going wrong? Correct the error. Maybe it is just adding a resource like confidence, just being able to ‘say no’ to slippery people, places and things. This is called a refusal skill.

When you can strengthen or add refusal skills you increase your chances of staying clean and sober, staying out of trouble or just being more successful in general.

Try this. Give that person over there the strength of confidence. See that person chin up with his head held high, feeling great that he could finally say No! to those people who have always dragged him down. You know – some people just don’t want you to get better or healthy. They will enable your drinking or using.

They’re called enablers and they are not your friends even if they are family or other loved ones. Sometimes your marital partner or significant other does not want you to heal. You are too much of a threat. It would mean they too may have to clean up, get sober or whatever term you choose.

Look at that person over there again. Ask him, how does it feel being able to ‘just say No? You can see how it looks. You can hear how great it sounds. How does that feel to you? If you like that person and that feeling just step into that image now. Because, it’s you isn’t it?

Put your arms around the New You. Pull him in. Own it. If you need to make the image even more effective try making it bigger, brighter, warmer and hear a soothing sigh of relief. You see, hear and feel the New You.

So you see, there is no such thing as failure. It’s feedback. And, you do have the resources within you already, don’t you? They are your five senses. And you can use them to give you great power. The power that is already locked up inside you. Set it free. Awaken the strengths and resources you already have as Carl Rogers mentioned. This has been Recovery Theme 11.

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RECOVERY RESOURCES. “YOU ALREADY HAVE THE RESOURCES YOU NEED,” CARL ROGERS.

Stan Dokmanus Updates

                 “Clients already have the resources they need to explore and resolve their issues.” Carl Rogers

The second part of that quote is “given a healthy environment.” That’s the purpose of this blog: to create a healthy environment to explore and resolve your own issues. As you have read in previous posts behavior change begins with a change in beliefs.

We all need to be willing to explore our belief system as well as be willing to say goodbye and let go of “Old You” limiting beliefs that may have been causing you behavior, relationship and career opportunities your whole life.

You have the strengths and resources inside you already to change some of these beliefs as well as the feelings and emotions that go with them. Would you watch a movie you did not like again and again? If there is a song on the radio that you absolutely do not like do you continue to listen to it to the end? No!

You turn off the radio, change the station or whatever to change the state it put you in. Yuck! I hate that song. It makes me feel sad! So turn it off. If you like the song you probably turn it up or hit replay if you can.

The same with a T.V. program. If you don’t like what you are seeing, change the program. Flip the Script.

We can do the same things to change what we believe, what we think, how we feel and our outcomes. Consider this: you experience the world in pictures if you have sight. How we choose to view that picture is another difference that makes the difference. Something as simple as distance can change how you feel about anything.

If you see or feel it right in your face it is probably more sensitive than if you view it – over there – 20 feet away.

Let’s try something. Make a picture of something that is mildly upsetting for you. Something that is a five on a scale of 1-10 where 10 is really powerful (good or bad). One is pretty much nothing at all.

Maybe something that happened with your significant other. Maybe with a co-worker or boss. Let’s say it was your mother. She scolded or belittled you for something.

Make a picture or hologram of her scolding you. Put in right in front of you. Right in your face. She’s scolding, yelling and accusing you of something. On a 1-10 scale how bad does it feel? Now, move it slowly away from you a couple of feet at a time to where the picture is 20 feet away. Slowly, slowly, it’s getting smaller and more quiet…now, how does it feel? Maybe you need to move it farther away. Does it feel the same, better or worse?

Interesting isn’t it? Now let’s try it the other way.

Make a picture of your mother about 10-15 feet away from you. This time she is praising you, saying how good you are and how much she loves you. On a scale of 1-10 how does that feel?

Now move it slowly closer, and closer as the picture seems to light up. It’s a little warmer, bigger and brighter. And you have a loving hug. How does that feel? The same, better or worse? Interesting isn’t it?

You already have all the resources you need to explore and resolve your issues given a healthy environment. More on this topic as we continue. Come on back.

ALCOHOL AND DRUG RECOVERY TOOLS. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.

Stan Dokmanus Updates

BELIEVE IT AND ACHIEVE IT. I give credit for that statement to both Jesse Jackson and Zig Ziglar. It is very powerful.

Credit needs to go to Albert Ellis and Aaron T. Beck, M.D. too. These are the founders of ABC Theory, REBT (Rational Emotive Behavior Theory and CBT (Cognitive Behavior Theory). What’s the takeaway from their messages.

It’s all about our beliefs. More on this as we go along.

Number Nine is one of the favorite Recovery Themes of the people I have worked with. It is probably the most favorite based on how the print characters were nearly worn off the page.

I had a copy of these themes on the wall just left of where my clients sat during our talks. “Meeting the clients where they are at” is a mantra or credo of this field. It was the same in my previous profession where we were taught to “know thy client.” Their theme choices gave me insight to their beliefs.

The clients were asked which of the Recovery Themes they liked the best. That’s why the lettering was worn off of Number Nine: Anyone can do anything. Most people chose that one.

Why do you think that is? Think of this. If he can do it, I can do it. If she can do it I can do it. If they can do it we can do it. It’s empowering. Because it’s true.

I had a dear friend, Jose Krall who was from France. He was a master chef and baker with 40 years experience. He owned the Maui Bake Shop. His product cases were like an art gallery. His food was just excellent. His cheesecake was a delight.

If I wanted to make a cheesecake like his would I have to practice for 40 years? Or could I model him and use his recipe to produce a fine pastry? If he can do it, I can do it if I follow his instructions and recipe. Anyone can do anything using this approach. Modeling is powerful.

If you want to learn more about modeling using VAK (visual, auditory and kinesthetic – feeling – senses, you may want to purchase the Criminal Justice and Addictions PDF.

I can be your model for sobriety, abstinence and Transcendence. If I can do it anyone can do it. Believe it…

“WHEN YOU KNOW BETTER YOU DO BETTER.” OPRAH.

Stan Dokmanus Updates

Sometimes it’s easy to be really hard on ourselves and heap on the blame – for everything. That is an example of irrational thinking and hurtful, negative self-talk. We and therapists need to listen to our Meta Model clues or violations. The Meta Model will be explained more later.

Due to a faulty belief/values system our map of reality becomes clouded or distorted. Recovery Theme Six points out that “People always make the best choice available to them at the time.” There could have been many other choices had we been aware of them or stopped to examine them.

But, “Every behavior is useful in some context” as Recovery Theme Seven tells us. Even illicit drug use or other crimes are useful in some way. They’re just not legal. Selling drugs to support a habit could be useful. Quick cash, no forty hour week, pays the bill now, are all reasons one could find to use or do crime.

It’s as Oprah says: “When you know better you do better.”

So, it’s not a matter of “will you be caught? It’s a matter of when.” And if you always do what you’ve always done…you know what will happen. Back to the slammer. If you live. Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time. This includes drunk driving or OUID, maybe marijuana.

So, trying to build a “New You” is about and exploring more new and better choices. Carl Rogers said “Clients have the ability to explore and resolve their own issues given a healthy environment.” Hopefully this blog will provide the healthy platform you need. And remember, Choice is Better Than No Choice (Recovery Theme Number Eight). You will learn more and better choices here so you can do better.

CHANGING BEHAVIOR. YOU ARE NOT BROKEN.

Stan Dokmanus Updates

You, I and people in general sometimes seem overwhelmed or like we have met our end. There is an ebb and flow to life. It has its ups and downs. But we sometimes irrationally take it to mean the end, or failure.

Nobody is 100% successful at 100% of what they do 100% of the time. I lose track of this just like others do. Why? Maybe it’s the expectation of perfection all the time. But that just does not happen.

“Catch it, Check it, Change it” is good advice. When you have a troubling thought, catch it. Check it: what’s that about? That’s not empowering. Then change it to an empowering, positive thought.

So, learning to question our self-talk can help. It can help to learn effective re-framing techniques. It’s good to learn to not be so hard on ourselves. How we define success and failure is important.

Tiger Woods has an interesting philosophy. To paraphrase him, “You get out of it [life] what you put into it. If you don’t succeed or get a lot out of it you didn’t work hard enough. You don’t deserve it.”

Maybe he is being too hard on himself. We know that he has worked hard his whole life at his profession. He is having a difficult time now. But he has not quit. As of this update, 4/2/2020, he has recovered and won a Master’s Tournament.

Persistence and patience are important. But we must have S.M.A.R.T. Goals as well. Having been trained (the right education for your goal) is important. Then, one should have a fair chance or opportunity to succeed. Opportunity is important.

But without desire and the necessary drive none of these will work on their own. So it’s important to understand how we work so that we can improvise to adapt to ever changing (ups and downs) life situations.

You’re not broken states Recovery Theme #5. You simply need to learn how you function best. You can change your behavior to get better life outcomes.

HELP WITH THE PAIN OF ADDICTION. MORE AND BETTER CHOICES OF FEELINGS, EMOTIONS AND BEHAVIOR

Stan Dokmanus Updates

This is about Recovery Theme Number Four. Why people use has been covered previously. As with all behavior we humans tend to move away from pain and toward pleasure.

That’s why we use alcohol and other drugs. We want to feel different (away) from how we feel to how we expect (toward) to feel. We probably want to feel better.

But if all we know to get out of this rut is alcohol or other drugs then that is the behavior choice we will make. Requisite (required) variety of choices can help people make better choices and changes. In this case, to change alcohol or other drug using behaviors.

Now, it’s time for a test. Looking at the behavior choice part of the map we can see that just prior to that are feelings and emotions. If we have more tools (requisite variety) for changing our feelings and emotions, then, we have a better chance to make the appropriate behavior choice: to remain abstinent. That’s what we are doing here. Creating more tools.

RECOVERY TOOLS AND LANGUAGE. THEMES ONE, TWO AND THREE.

Stan Dokmanus Updates

Just reading over this information is not good enough. It’s important that you understand the concepts. Now is the time to go back over these three ideas.

In a prior post you were introduced to the Cognitive Behavior Map. I mentioned before that the map should be mastered as well. Go back and study that to make sure you have an understanding.

Notice what you are noticing. How do Recovery Themes one, two and three relate to the map? What about self-talk? How we communicate with ourselves may be just as important as how we talk with others.

We tend to move toward pleasure and away from pain. The way we communicate with others can produce painful or pleasurable feelings and emotions for those people. For us too.

We’ve heard of toxic people. Some people may tend to be more negative than others. Do you tend to want to associate more often with negative or positive people?

It’s been said that we get what we think about. If we are always thinking negative we may always get negative outcomes. Limiting beliefs can lead to irrational thoughts, feelings, emotions and then – behavior.

Yes. This can have a cause and effect relationship with substance abuse. So you see: The meaning of our communication is so important because we get what we throw out there. It’s important to be careful how we talk with ourselves too.

ALCOHOL AND DRUG ABUSE BELIEFS.THE REALITY IS…

Stan Dokmanus Updates

There is only perception. People respond to their own map of reality and not reality itself.

We arrive at the here and now with all that has been imprinted and learned in our lives. So, what’s been imprinted? Fair question. The answer is all of our beliefs, values and attitudes about how it ‘really’ is. These become our reality.

How is this important to any of us? Here are a few examples.

Suppose we are observing a drug court client going through the process while we get to watch a split-screen of a drug court judge’s reaction to how the client is doing.

Based on the client’s map of reality it is okay to use alcohol and other drugs as well as to commit the crimes for which she/he has been charged. These crimes are by definition anti-social. But the client believes they are okay.

The judge on the other hand is thinking maybe this person does not get it. Maybe this client is just refusing to comply or change. Again, by definition, the judge is looking at the situation from a pro-social criminal justice point of view.

Between the two parties someone’s map of reality must change if the client is to be successful in the program and graduate. And – you can bet it is not the judge’s map that must change.

One of the judge’s in my area is known to tell the clients that “society is not going to change for you. It is you who must change your thinking and behavior (your map of reality).

The mother of the client may be saying “the reality is that the judge is not being fair with my girl.” The prosecutor’s map is saying that “the client needs to go to jail.” The public defender is saying “no, my client needs treatment, not jail. She needs to be free so she can work and support her family.” If this involved a burglary the victim is saying “she’s got to pay me back and then she can go to jail.”

We are talking about the same event (remember the map) but we can see that each party has a different perception or reality of what has been done and what needs to be done.

That is Recovery Theme #3 in a nutshell. There is no such thing as reality. People respond to their map of reality and not reality itself.

You must be ready to explore your reality or you would not be here.

The good news is…these maps can be changed. More on that to follow.