Author: Stan Dokmanus

RECOVERY FROM ALCOHOL , ADDICTION: COMMUNICATION, FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS

Stan Dokmanus Updates

The meaning or quality of the communication is the response that you get. Communication is about getting the intended response from the listener. Is the recovery message clear? This is Recovery Theme number two.

Can the effectiveness of our communication with others affect our feelings and emotions. Think of a time in your experience when you were in a debate. Or, maybe a heated discussion with a significant other. Have you ever arrived at the point where you were frustrated? Or even angry.

I know I’ve experienced that. Maybe the more important the issue the more frustrated or angry one could become. Frustration is a feeling. Anger is an emotion.

As can be seen by the map in a previous post, it is feelings and emotions that precede behavior choices and outcomes. Does self-talk matter? By the way. It might be a good idea to master the map as we will visit it often.

Sometimes the things we say to ourselves are really cruel or insulting. You know: “You stupid whatever…” We’ve all done it at one time or another. And it does not have a good ending mostly. Only more feelings of anger. Perhaps hopeless, helpless or worthless are felt as a result.

If other people talked to us that way it could get ugly. We may not want them as friends.

So you see, the meaning of the communication is the response that you get. And yes, communication can affect feelings, emotions and behavior choices.

The Assertive Communication Model is a tool that will be of benefit. It could serve us well even with self-talk.

Imagine a significant other has said something cruel or done something that is not okay with you. It might even be a user friend who wants you to use with her. How should one respond? A simple example follows.

When I hear or experience ___________
I feel…(bad, less than, insulted, hurt, etc.)
I would prefer___________(something more desirable or acceptable).
If this can be worked out I will be more comfortable or it will be okay between us.

This is so simple. Four simple sentences that say it all. There is no finger pointing or accusing. You don’t even use the you word. One simply takes ownership of feelings (“I” statements) and states a preference that will lead to desired outcomes.

Now a question. Could you use the Assertive Communication Model to flip your script even with yourself? Sure you can. You can be more kind to yourself when things don’t work right now the way you wanted them to.

STRENGTHS BASED RECOVERY THEMES HELP YOU

Stan Dokmanus Updates

An explanation of the relevance of the Recovery Themes could be useful at this point. It is very empowering for the clients to realize just how much control they have over their feelings and emotions.

Recovery Theme 1 is an example of how effective these themes can be for ourselves and our clients. As can be seen on the map image (p. 15, Drug Court Treatment: The Verdict) in a previous post, feelings and emotions are what lead to our behavior choices.

In the box just before that labeled Internal Maps we find that they are made of pictures, sounds, feelings, smells and taste. These are the basic five senses we use to navigate our world. They are our GPS navigation system.

The three primary senses we use in communication are visual, auditory and kinesthetic. These are see, hear and feel. Multi Modal Learning tells us that we have a preferred learning system. We are primarily either visual, auditory or kinesthetic.

The best way to learn something new is through our preferred system first. This can be strengthened by following up with the secondary and tertiary modes. It’s the same with communication. We have a preferred system and we use it over and over.

This information can be very useful understanding ourselves and others better. In subsequent posts I’m going to show how all of the Recovery Themes fit together to create a powerful strengths based tool kit. This will be developed further while explaining themes two and three.

You will see how they all work together to help you create the “New You.”

ADDICTION RECOVERY PLAN – HOW TO APPLY THE MAP

Stan Dokmanus Updates

Recovery Themes and Ideas*

Before I do that, we cannot go any further without covering what I call recovery themes. Take some time to consider which of these makes the most sense to you in your personal experience. Which of these might you adopt as your own? Which of these would you want your children or grandchildren to become aware of or use? Which could be helpful for clients? Granted, not all of these will be true 100% of the time. Take what you can and leave the rest. All the clients liked at least one of these. Many chose several. Clinicians at other workshops said they are all useful in some context. These themes go with the map at the top of the previous post. You can choose more than one.

  1. Communication is redundant. We are always communicating in all three major Sensory Modalities: visual, auditory and Kinesthetic (VAK). We all have our preferred learning and communication styles. These are learned in class or workshops.
  2. The meaning or quality of the communication is the response that you get. Communication is about getting the intended response from the listener. Is the recovery message clear?
  3. People respond to their map of reality and not reality itself. These maps have structure or syntax (VAK, KAV, AVK, etc.) Maps can be changed to get desired outcomes. We create our realities. This can be empowering or limiting. Are you V, A or K?
  4. Requisite variety can help people make changes to get desired outcomes. The more tools or flexibility one has the better his chances of success in recovery. Give the client the tools needed.
  5. People work perfectly. No one is wrong or broken. It’s simply a matter of finding out ‘how’ they function now so that we can effectively change that to something more useful or desirable. Treatment is about change and helping clients get to their next level.
  6. People always make the best choice available to them at the time: given their situation (the event), beliefs, values and attitudes. There may be a wealth of better choices that have not been examined. But, the belief system must be changed first as Ellis suggested in his ABC Theory***.
  7. Every behavior is useful in some context. Even drug use and crime. It is just not appropriate.
  8. Choice is better than no choice. Treatment is about giving clients more and better choices.
  9. Anyone can do anything. If one person can do something it is possible to model that behavior or skill and teach it to anyone else. Of course, we cannot expect to violate the laws of Physics or nature and expect to be successful. Desired outcomes must be realistic to be achievable.
  10. People already have all the resources they need to examine and resolve their own issues given the right counseling in a suitable environment. Carl Rogers might fully endorse this theme.
  11. There is no such thing as failure, only feedback. We learn from our trials and errors.
  12. Chunking is a way to accomplish any task. If we break goals down we can be successful with anything such as with ‘one day at a time’, a famous AA slogan. (Alcoholics Anonymous)
  13. Positive intent. All behavior begins with a positive intent. Even substance abuse or crime. Again, we must remember that AOD/CTC could be problematic as well as not be legal.

For those who want more information about these ideas see “Criminal Justice and Addictions Counseling” in the catalog.

 

*These are based on Major Presuppositions or tenets of the work of Richard Bandler, PhD., and John Grinder, PhD. It is adapted and reproduced here with permission from Tom Dotz, Colorado, where I did a training course. This writer feels that these presuppositions can be adjunct modalities of treatment to effect change with  Applied Cognitive Behavior Theories.

STOP USING ALCOHOL AND OTHER DRUGS – CONTROL YOUR STATE AND YOU CONTROL YOUR BEHAVIOR

Stan Dokmanus Updates

thumbnail_final-map-head-v4

FIG. 1, p. 15, “Drug Court Treatment: The Verdict”

You’ve heard it before. A picture is worth a thousand words (Confucius, Fred Barnard). That’s why I present this illustration.

There is a book that I really like written by Kenneth Wanberg and Harvey Milkman showing an illustration depicting the same concept. The image looks like an electrical diagram rather than a picture of our “operating system.”

While the electric diagram is totally accurate it can be confusing and intimidating to some folks. Clients told me that facial image  illustration makes much more sense to them. Others have said the same thing. To me this picture explains the Cognitive Behavior Theory process as well as the ABC Theory of Albert Ellis.

On page 14 of my book I describe the ABC Theory. Simply, Ellis said that “it is not the event (A) that determines our behavior (C) but rather our (B) beliefs about the event. So, we have(A) the event followed by (B) our beliefs about the event that lead to (C) our behavior. Thus, ABC.

Master these ideas and you will understand how to stop unwanted behavior.

While we are here we can examine what the map is saying. The event occurs and we filter the meaning of the event based on our beliefs, values and attitudes. We are exposed to millions of bits of information on a daily basis. Our brain knows that we cannot process all of these pieces of data. So the data are filtered.We delete, distort and generalize the information based on our ‘imprints’.

Imprints are critical when it comes to understanding old behavior and learning new behavior.

This includes using alcohol and other drugs (AOD) and criminal thinking and conduct (CTC). Konrad Lorenz is given credit here for this theory. He discovered baby geese will bond with the first image they see after birth as if it were their mother. In his case the goslings bonded with his boots and followed him around like he was the mother, if I have the story correct. He postulated that these imprints are permanent.Why is this important to mention here?

Our history or learning has everything to do with how we interpret and define ourselves and our world. So often it is past events that limit us in the present or prevent having our desired outcomes or futures. Imprints can occur at the molecular level, the psychological level and the social level. So, we and our behaviors truly are biopsychosocial in nature.

As we filter data we turn it into a thought stack made up of decisions, attributions, appraisals and expectations (follow the arrows). Don’t people use drugs or act based on their expectations of what is supposed to happen by using them? Remember? We avoid pain and seek pleasure.

We then form solid internal maps of our reality based on our five senses. All of us experience our realities by seeing, hearing, feeling, smelling and tasting.

If our restaurant server presents a messy plate (see) that (smells) like it is decaying already we are certain that we don’t need a taste. We (expect) it will be terrible. We (feel ) bad enough already. Our self-talk (hear) says no – don’t eat it. But you (taste) it anyway and send it back (if you are assertive) if it is not satisfactory.

The short name for the five senses is VAKOG. This is visual, auditory, kinesthetic, olfactory and gustatory. More generally they are see, hear, feel, smell and taste.

These lead directly to the next step which is feelings and emotions. As you can see by the flow (following the arrows) feelings and emotions lead to behavior choices. That’s why it is important to learn how to control your state. Your emotional state is what is meant here.

If you are sad you may act sad. If you are angry you may act or react in an angry manner. Could that be important in homes where domestic violence may be a problem? Seldom is a spouse happy and giggly and then turns around and backhands the other.

We can learn to map the outcomes that are more desirable. We have the power and resources already. We simply need access to them at the appropriate time. This will be demonstrated below.

This was a powerful lesson taught by Carl Rogers. He is a world famous therapist. To paraphrase him, “clients already have all the resources they need to explore and resolve their own issues given a healthy environment.” Hopefully, I as a guide would provide the healthy environment, online or in person.

What’s the take home message? Between the CBT Map above and the lessons taught to us by Albert Ellis and Carl Rogers there is HOPE for all of us. We are in charge of shaping our beliefs, thoughts, feelings and behavior. We can re-imprint our history mentioned my Konrad Lorenz?

The map above is your operating system. It applies to each one of us. Nobody, not the neediest narcissist – is immune to that fact of life. Learn the map, how you and it are connected and you will discover that you are in charge of how you feel and your future. We examine ‘how to’ do that in the next post. The works of Aaron T. Beck, M.D. and Judith S. Beck, PhD will be used extensively throughout this medium. For more on them refer to Criminal Justice and Addictions Counseling in the catalog.

Additionally, I will be using the NAADAC definition referring to counseling services: “The interactive process of providing assistance to a client to help him/her change and maintain attitudes, beliefs and behaviors that are more constructive in their recovery process. The counselor must determine the most appropriate type of assistance and the counseling interventions to facilitate the change in behaviors, attitudes and beliefs. Counseling services include individual, group, family, crisis intervention counseling and psycho-education.” NAADAC Approved Education Provider #192679, Expires, 3/1/2022. National Association of Alcohol and other Drug Abuse Counselors.

HOW ALCOHOLISM AND ADDICTION DEVELOP

Stan Dokmanus Changing Unwanted Behaviors

First things first. What do I do? I help people change unwanted behaviors that involve alcohol and other drugs (AOD). You already have the strengths and resources you need to make these changes.

If you’ve not been successful so far in making these changes, what have you got to lose by working with me? I mean other than you family, your health, your job or your assets?

Too often, because of Substance Use Disorders, people cross the line into criminal thinking and conduct (CTC). These behaviors can involve financial crimes, violence, theft from family, friends or business. Do fiduciaries embezzle from clients? Do doctors get addicted? Do lawyers develop alcohol or other drug problems?

There are reasons for all behaviors. My job is to help you explore and resolve these issues before it’s too late or you get in deeper trouble.

You might be surprised to learn that something that happened when you were three years old is holding you back today. Picture that: you are a business executive, doctor or lawyer and some seven year old part is governing you behavior. We will explore and resolve these issues before you lose anymore – of whatever it is you want to keep .

We will look into the past, see how it affects your present and resolve these issues so you can have a brighter, happier, more successful future. You could benefit by balancing out these issues.

A balanced life is a more happy, more healthy and successful life. In Hawaiian, Lokahi means balance. To coin a phrase, “Living Lokahi Loca” is a good thing.

So, if what you’ve read so far makes sense, why not contact me to make an appointment now. Phone: 808 385 4550. Or, standokmanus1@outlook.com.

If you are coming to Maui let’s create an opportunity that will help you achieve your happiness goals or reach your next level. The only thing that is holding you back are limiting beliefs that we will change to empowering beliefs together. Sometimes in minutes.

You and your business will benefit through improved performance at work and increased profits. Why lose any more money to ghosts from the past that haunt you today. Because you and your business will enjoy improvements Uncle Sam will be very generous with you as you help yourself and your staff to improve.

You will benefit from a workshop on Maui that is created just for you, your staff and your needs. What will you learn in the workshop?

If we go far enough back on any person’s timeline we will discover a point before the first using event occurred. It could be the second before, the minute before or the day before. It is a time when the brain and nervous system were free of alcohol and other drugs.

Some people will be shocked at how young others were when they first experienced alcohol, being drunk, drugs and being high or an injury due to using these substances. Some were as young as three, four or five years of age. These same issues affect employee performance day in and day out.

Other clients report first use as in their teens, 20’s, 30’s or even older. People who develop a gambling problem (addiction) later in life (50’s,60’s or older) never knew they had a problem until one day – boom! it hit them and they were taken over in a moment.

Heinekens has now introduced 0.00 bac beer. States are approving recreational marijuana. Good luck employers! You’ll have fun with these issues.

As an employer, that’s just what you want: an employee under the influence of a mind altering substance. You want to increase profits and they want to get high at lunch.

It is not necessary to cover all the brain activity or the details of the chemical reactions that occur in different parts of the brain to discuss the problem of addiction. Suffice it to say that after enough using episodes or trials the person or brain will eventually be taken over.

After repeated usage of alcohol as an example a person begins to build tolerance. More of the substance is needed to get the same effect. The person begins to experience withdrawal symptoms from that particular drug if they don’t get it. If he does not get the ‘hit’ or ‘hair of the dog’ the symptoms can persist. People can feel out of sorts, lousy, cranky, feel like they will die and may be very unpleasant to be around.

In the beginning let’s say a person could get a buzz on from one or two 12 ounce beers. It feels great and the brain says ‘Hey Stan, I like that. I want more of that.’ Before you know it I need three or four beers to get the same sensation. I begin to dose myself or titrate – determining the amount I will need to get the desired effect. Before you know it I need 12 beers to get the effect and soon after that I’m loaded.

So – why do people drink or use any drug? Why do people do any behavior? One theory is that everything we do is to either move away from pain or move toward pleasure. Using alcohol or other drugs has been called ‘self-medicating’ by some professionals.

By the way, if I define every phrase such as ‘titrate’, ‘self-medicating’ or ‘withdrawal’ this writing will turn into a thesaurus or dictionary. That is too far astray from my goal. The reader can Google these terms and come up with volumes of information. But don’t Google too much because I want you here.

Why do we shoot ourselves in the foot then? And how do we do that? Talking recently with an anonymous client who was seeking to ‘feel better’ about herself and her life, she reported that the reason she experimented with drugs was because of the ‘feelings’ she got from them and that she could ‘escape’ from how she ‘was feeling’ by artificially creating a new feeling.

That’s her ‘why’ answer. She was moving ‘away’ from the bad feelings (pain) and ‘toward’ the better feelings (pleasure). The ‘how’ was with a half dozen different drugs that she got from the most unreliable people one could imagine – dealers.

That is another problem. The dealers. Do you really think they care about you? I think they care more about my money than me. They want it to go from my pocket to theirs as quickly and as often as possible. Some of you might say ‘but it’s only weed.’ How does anyone know if and with what weed may be laced today?

The dealer wants your repeat business. If his product knocks your socks off and it seems cheaper or the same price as a competitor you might return to her or him for a ‘better high.’ If we can get a ‘cleaner clean’ today I suppose a ‘better high’ is not too far fetched.

What’s the simple take home for today? The once pure brain or nervous system can become addicted to a substance or even gambling by building tolerance. Repeated behavior reinforces the effect. Before you know it – addictio – taken over.

The next part of the simple take home is that we use or do other behavior to move ‘away from pain’ and ‘toward pleasure.’ So, we see that it is our feelings and emotions that lead to behavior choices – good or bad. One of the things that I do for clients is to show them ways to control feelings and emotions. The Power of Emotional State is critical. We will discuss that in the next post.

THERE ARE ONLY TWO KINDS OF BELIEFS

Stan Dokmanus Changing Unwanted Behaviors

“To thine own self be true.” Polonius

Beliefs have been mentioned several times already. It cannot be stressed enough how important it is to address this topic. The beliefs of the consumer (client, patient, explorer) are vital. We need to discover, explore and examine the beliefs of our clients.

As an example let’s use someone who has decided to seek or enter into a treatment program. It can be a mandated criminal justice program or a voluntary one. Drug Court programs can be 12-18 months or more. By the way, the longer someone is in treatment, the better. Yet, some folks are just more motivated than others and do not require as much time.

There are only two kinds of beliefs: Limiting and empowering. Don’t you think it would be a great idea to explore beliefs from the beginning? Why would we let a consumer go through an entire program without changing limiting, perhaps harmful beliefs about using alcohol or other mind altering drugs?

If a person successfully completes a 12 month program but has the same beliefs the only thing that has changed is – that person is 12 months older. With the same beliefs and the knowledge that they can fake their way through – negative behavior may simply be reinforced. Relapse will not be far behind.

Clinicians need to learn how to help a client to change limiting beliefs. I use what I call Brief Eye Movement Therapy (BEMT) which is modeled after two other useful methods. It is very powerful and effective.

Clinicians’ beliefs too are critical. I had a conversation just last week with a treatment professional who said “you can’t change 75-80% of them.” First, “can’t” reflects a limiting belief about capability. This looks to me to be about his beliefs about his strengths, resources and capabilities. It also kind of reflects on that counselor’s beliefs about the clients’ capabilities to change.

Personally and professionally I believe that anyone can change any belief and behavior that they no longer find useful or desirable as long as we are not trying to defeat the laws of physics. The beliefs that the counselor holds about the client’s capability to change are so important. These beliefs can become self-fulfilling prophecies.

In his book “The Biology of Beliefs”, Phillip Lipton, PhD, states “I was exhilarated [sic] by the new realization that I could change the character of my life by changing my beliefs.” Isn’t this what clients approach us about in the first place?

They have found something in their lives that is no longer desirable. They want to change something. I want to help them change that to something they want, just like someone once helped me. It’s “paying it forward” as Oprah talks about.

My hope here was to demonstrate how important beliefs are in the change process. Our beliefs, thoughts and feelings are critical to the alcohol and other drug abuse issues we are facing. In the next section we will explore the process of how the addiction or alcoholism develops.

For now the take away from this is that it is the beliefs of the client and counselor that lead to thoughts, feelings, emotions and behavior as well as change. There are only two kinds of beliefs: limiting and empowering. How many times have you heard ‘if you always do what you have always done you will always get what you have always got.’

If you really want the alcohol and other drug behavior to change – learn how to change your limiting beliefs. To thine own self be true.  I’m not pointing fingers. It’s for me too.

THE DIFFERENCE THAT MAKES THE DIFFERENCE

Stan Dokmanus Changing Unwanted Behaviors

“It’s not events that shape us…but our beliefs” Anthony Robbins

In my previous post I mentioned that others noticed a difference in methods the way I approached “it”, whatever “it” is. The difference begins at the first meeting with a client. There is no blaming, shaming or labeling. I believe being non-judgmental is key and that strengths based and solution focused is the best approach.

It is important to be aware that counseling and treatment planning is a collaborative effort between the guide and the explorer. You might choose to say therapist and client or counselor and client.

The best approach for me was to learn the client’s map of reality about how we came to meet each other. Clients share information with the clinician if there is trust or rapport. This will be explained later. It became clear that clients didn’t care how much I knew until they knew how much I cared.

I cared because I always felt that the only difference between me and them was who was sitting in which chair this week. We could all be one thought or one behavior away from being a client in the criminal justice system or addicted to alcohol or other drugs. Who knows: in a couple of years roles could be reversed and the explorer could become your guide.

Humility, beliefs and values are critical for both the explorer and guide. We need to be ever aware of our place in the collaboration and society. Becoming aware of the client’s beliefs stated by the client was important to me so that I would not confuse my map of reality with that of the explorer. Bias can be the undoing of the whole process.

Clinicians as well as clients have limiting beliefs and values that can be harmful to the client. To Do No Harm is the credo of professionals. Being too rigid about appropriate treatment methods may not be in the best interest of the client.

A good example of this is cited in my book, “Drug Court Treatment: The Verdict”, Chapter Seven, p.68-69 where beliefs, values and filters about ‘posturing’ and violence of each of the parties caused problems for society and a client.

While we need to adhere to best practices evidence based methods – if best results could come from “Adjunct Modalities of Treatment for Substance Abuse Counseling”, that may be in the best interest of the client. As an example, I had a different approach to delivering the Cognitive Behavior Theory map to the clients.

Stressing the beliefs piece of the ABC Theory of Albert Ellis was fascinating to the clients. Several who had been in the system or treatment for decades said “nobody ever explained this that way before. They said all I had to do was stay clean and everything would be okay.” Staying clean or being abstinent is only a part of the recovery process. Why is this important?

Anthony Robbins states “It not the events of our lives that shape us, but our beliefs as to what those events mean.” So…

…Helping the clients to recognize, explore and address limiting beliefs and values is probably what clients pointed out as the difference. To me, helping them with this and the way it is done is part of ‘the difference that makes the difference.’

PROBLEMS WITH ALCOHOL AND OTHER DRUGS

Stan Dokmanus Changing Unwanted Behaviors

“Write about your one true thing” J.K.Rowling

You will get help here with new and different ideas about achieving your change goals. Whether your problems are with alcohol, or, other drugs there are solutions. You are not helpless. There is HOPE!

We all have goals, hopes and dreams. But these may seem to be shattering under the weight of what may appear to be problems out of your control. For some of you the problems could be spiraling, getting worse and affecting other areas of your lives.
Family problems are more frequent. You are having problems with your significant others (wife, husband, children, girlfriend, boyfriend) and nobody seems to understand you.

There could be problems at work like not showing up, being late or problems with coworkers. It could be costing you in terms of lost money.

Financial problems, health issues and even legal consequences are nipping at your heels. Maybe you got a drunk- driving ticket. Maybe it was a Failure to Appear charge when you forgot about or blew off a court date. What about drug court, probation or parole violations?

I understand. You are not living up to your dreams. Life is not working out the way you visualized it. Or, maybe you reached the top of your world and then something terrible happened. Your map of reality got shaken up pretty good, didn’t it?

Drug counselors and other clinicians too will discover new and exciting treatment concepts that have worked well for me and millions of others all over the world. Yes- I have or have had some of these problems too. I’m not saying my life is perfect in all areas. But…

I too was addicted and it did cause so many losses in so many areas of my life. I learned how to stop that behavior and start achieving my work and financial goals. Living life clean and sober led me to new discoveries about alcoholism, addiction, treatment and recovery possibilities.

“My one true thing” as J.K. Rowling commented on is to let you know about what I discovered along my journey and help others to achieve their recovery goals and outcomes. I want to share that with you here.

Others have noticed how these methods are different and you can read some of the comments at my website, standokmanus.com. Also, you will notice that I wrote a book entitled “Drug Court Treatment: The Verdict” which is available at Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble and other fine bookstores.

If you have questions or need a clarification about some of these ideas you can contact me at standokmanus1@outlook.com .